Magical Wizzy Man
by McGeesJabberwock
Summary: A wizard turns Two-Face back into Harvey Dent, but his magic comes with a price.


Once upon a time in the kingdom of Gotham, there lived a kind and friendly man named Harvey Dent. He was a lawyer who put mean criminals in jail, and liked to help the people of Gotham however he could. Every morning, he would prance onto the street and welcome the sun, doing good deeds while singing this song:

_I'm Harvey Dent and I am nice,_  
_And I am never mean,_  
_I help old ladies cross the street,_  
_And give kiddies ice cream!_

_I bring this city happiness,_  
_Because I never fail,_  
_To take the nasty baddies,_  
_And put them into jail!_

But one dark day, as he was prancing, a mean man blocked his path. This man held a bottle of acid in his hand, which he splashed onto Harvey's face.

'Noooo!' Harvey screamed as half of his face eroded away. He fell to the pavement in pain, screaming.

'Oh, don't be such a crybaby,' came a voice.

'Who said that?' Harvey looked askance, and saw that the scarred half of his face was talking to him.

'You will do whatever I say!' said the evil half.

'Never!'

Harvey's left arm punched the right side of his face. 'Look at that dog,' said the scarred half of Harvey's face, gesturing towards a cute little puppy, 'I think we should kick it into traffic!'

'No,' said the good side, 'We should give it a good home!'

'Let's flip for it,' said the evil side, and pulled out a coin. 'Heads, we give it a good home. Tails, we kill it!' Harvey flipped the coin, and caught it. 'Yay! Tails!'

That meant Harvey Dent's evil side was now in control, and he kicked the puppy onto the streets. The evil side laughed as the dog was killed by a lorry, but the good side winced.

From then on, Harvey Dent was known as Two-Face, and was no longer the cheerful soul he once was. Every time he wanted to do something, he had to flip a coin, and more often than not, the coin would rule in favour of his evil side. One time, however, Harvey's good side wanted to help an old lady across the street, and the coin came up heads. However, the old lady beat up Harvey because he was so ugly.

'Fuck my life,' said good Harvey as he moped on some steps. 'I'm ugly and everyone hates me.'

'Shut up,' said evil Harvey, 'You should be happy! Being evil is awesome!'

'No it's not,' replied good Harvey.

'You're such a pussy.'

Just then, Batman swooped onto the scene, leering at Two-Face. 'Two-Face!' he screamed, 'Prepare to be faced with severe pain!'

'Oh great!' said good Harvey, 'Now I'm going to get beaten up by Batman, and it's your fault!'

'Shut up!' snarled Batman, 'I am going to make you say "Ow!"'

'But Batman,' said good Harvey, his eye widening, 'I thought you were my friend!'

Batman began to tear up. 'I'm sorry, Harvey,' he said before running away into the night.

Later, Batman sat atop a rooftop, looking up at the twinkling stars above. 'Oh, poor Harvey,' said Batman, 'He was my best friend, but now he's an ugly villain. I wish I could help him.'

Just then, Batman noticed a star burning brighter and larger than any other star in the sky. It fell to where Batman was, leaving behind a sparkling white trail. When it landed, it transformed into a wizard, wearing a beautiful blue robe and hat, stroking a long grey beard.

'I am Magical Wizzy Man,' said the wizard, 'and I can make Harvey Dent the nice man he used to be.'

'Yay!'

'But my magic comes with a price.' Magical Wizzy Man held out the Mattel DC Superheroes Bruce to Batman figure. 'You must wear this costume from now on if you want Harvey to be nice again.'

'Aw man,' said Batman, 'but that costume looks so stupid.'

'If you refuse my offer,' said Magical Wizzy Man, bowing his head, 'I fear Harvey may be Two-Face forever.'

'Okay,' said Batman, and he shook Magical Wizzy Man's hand.

Elsewhere, a sad little boy walked around Gotham, crying out for his mummy. His cries were heard by Two-Face.

'Poor boy,' said good Harvey, 'Let's help him find his mummy.'

'Fuck you we help him find his mummy,' replied evil Harvey, 'Let's beat him with a hammer!' Two-Face flipped his coin and it came up tails. 'TIME FOR EVIL!' cried evil Harvey grabbing his hammer. He leapt towards the little boy and was about to smash his brains in when he was surrounded by sparkles. In seconds, evil Harvey disappeared, replaced by unscarred, soft skin. Two-Face had become Harvey Dent again.

'Oh, happy day!' squealed Harvey, dropping his hammer, 'I'm free of that big meanie other face! Now let's help you get home!' He turned to the little boy, and took him by the hand, taking him back to his mummy. All the while they sung songs about sunshine and bluebirds.

Later, the Joker was kicking people in the shins. 'Stop it, Joker,' the people cried, but the Joker laughed at their pain. 'I will not rest until all shins in Gotham are kicked!' cried the Joker, raising his fists.

Just then, Batman leapt in front of the Joker, wearing the costume Magical Wizzy Man had bequeathed him. 'I am the terror that flaps in the night!'

'No, you're not,' said the Joker, pointing at Batman, 'You're a guy in a crappy costume!'

Joker laughed at Batman's shitty costume, and in seconds, the Penguin, the Riddler and Mr. Freeze appeared and laughed at Batman too. As Batman covered his face in shame, a tabloid journalist burst in and took a photo of Mr. Freeze laughing. 'I caught Mr. Freeze showing _positive_ emotion!' he said, 'Wait 'til the public see this!' Then he ran away.

'Nooooo!' cried Mr. Freeze as he fell to his knees, 'I'm _ruined_!' Then he burst into tears.

'Oh great, Batman,' said the Joker, patting Mr. Freeze on the back, 'Now look what you've done.'

Taking a deep breath, Batman turned around and said to himself, 'It's okay. As long as Harvey's cured.'

Just then, Harvey Dent ran to the gathering of rogues. 'Okay, you naughty baddies, time to...Batman, what's with that costume?' Then he began laughing as well.

'Oh fuck this,' said Batman, walking to a telephone booth. 'If that's how you're going to react, you can be Two-Face again for all I care.' So Batman went into the telephone booth and walked out in his normal costume.

Lightning struck.

'You have broken the pact!' The sky was suddenly clogged up with thick clouds, and a giant disembodied Magical Wizzy Man head hovered above Batman. 'Now you will pay the ultimate price!' Lasers burst from Magical Wizzy Man's eyes, causing Joker and the other villains to hide. The lasers hit Harvey Dent, not only re-scarring the left side of his face, but scarring his right side as well.

'Harvey?'

'NO!' howled the monster Harvey had become, 'No more goody-goody Harvey Dent! I am now _One-Face!_' The completely scarred Harvey laughed maniacally before taking out his coin. 'Won't be needing this anymore!' He then threw the coin to the ground, before pulling down his trousers and taking a shit on the coin.

Batman backed away, but the Joker came out of his hiding spot. 'Harvey,' said Joker, 'gotta say, I love the new look!'

'Shut it, clown!' One-Face leapt towards Joker and hit him in the face. 'I've always wanted to kill you, but goody-goody Harvey wouldn't let me!' From his pocket, he pulled out a gigantic hunk of cheese and beat Joker to death with it. 'I AM THE KING AND QUEEN OF CHEESE!'

'Harvey, stop!' Batman ran in and grabbed the cheese. 'You can't do this!'

'I'm pure evil now, Twat-man!' laughed One-Face, 'You can't tell me what to do!'

'Well, at least now I can knock you into a coma without feeling guilty about it!' said Batman. Batman then whacked One-Face in his one face, making him topple over. One-Face reached for his pocket, but Batman stepped on his hand before he could.

'Batman!' Magical Wizzy Man's head appeared again. 'Time to make your punishment more punishing!' Once more Magical Wizzy Man shot lasers out of his eyes. Batman was knocked off One-Face, and the latter began growing fifty feet tall. Now One-Face stomped through Gotham City, destroying everything in his path.

'Batman!' Just then, who should appear but Robin? 'What did I tell you about making deals with wizards?'

'Silence!' bellowed Magical Wizzy Man. 'Batman must pay!'

'Luckily, I know how to deal with this.' Robin then took out a vial of Holy Water and threw it onto Magical Wizzy Man.

'Noooooooo!' Magical Wizzy Man disintegrated into nothing. One-Face became Two-Face again and shrunk back to his normal size. Unfortunately, he was holding a building at the time, and became crushed under a pile of bricks.

'Way to go, Robin,' said Batman, sighing, 'You just broke our one rule! You killed Wizzy and Harvey!'

'But...'

'No buts, young man. It's time to go to jail.'


End file.
